Getting Help

It has been a while since the last post. Well, I have successfully found a psychologist who specializes in anxiety and OCD. I really like her and her approach is very hands-on. I have seen her for about 4 sessions total so far. The first session was an intake interview that took 2 hours! It was intense, but it gave both her and myself lots of information. Since then she has given me a lot of homework to work on, and in the next few posts I will go over some of the things I have been trying to do. One of the concepts my counselor emphasizes is mindfullness training. I have to try and train my mind to do things differently, and be more aware of the here and now, rather than what could be or what might happen. It takes a lot of time and it takes a lot of "work." I feel some of this counseling is working, but not quite at the rate that I had hoped, especially for how much the sessions cost. Until the next time....

Finding Therapy

Over the last week or two, it has become clear to me that I cannot get any better with my OCD by myself. I feel out of control so often that it is becoming debilitating and honestly, I don't know how to stop.
So, I did what any educated person of the 21st century does, and went to Amazon and purchased a self-help book It is called the OCD Workbook by Bruce M. Hyman, PhD. and Cherry Pedrick, RN. It is a guide to "breaking free" from OCD. The first day it came I started reading it and I read 4 chapters in one day. Then it began getting more like a workbook, and it required me to actually do activities in it. Well, to say the least, it is taking me much longer to go through the next two chapters. I am hopeful, but not extremely optimistic. The book talks about working through this book with a therapist to make sure that there are resources there in case you feel overwhelmed (this is foreshadowing).
Feeling overwhelmed on Friday, I decided that I needed to find some assistance in the form of a therapist. So, I go online to find out what I can about treatment and therapy for OCD. The first place I found was http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_therapy.htm. It is a guide that has a section called "Therapy for Anxiety Disorders." It is a great resource and wonderful overview of the world of behavorial therapy. There are a few links to finding a therapist here and I was able to find a few right away. Another wonderful site was Obsessive Compulsive Foundation http://www.ocfoundation.org/. Again this had a search engine that you could use to find a therapist in your area. It also provided some good information and support.
After finding someone's name and number, I of course contacted them. Unfortunately the one that sounds like the best fit is out of network and would cost about $130/session after Personal Choice paid a small amount of the total cost. This is a lot of money for my family. I am not currently working, and therefore it would be a huge drain on our savings. So, I am in the process of looking up someone in network...ugh! I really liked this person when I talked to her on the phone and wished she and Personal Choice could work together...oh well. I will keep you posted on the search.

Salmonella in aisle 3 ?!

I don't want to contaminate my family with any kind of food (well, who does really), so I wash and rewash my hands throughout the food preparation process. This can take a very long time to do. To pack my daughter's lunch, it can take 10-15 minutes. Am I cooking her a filet with a hollindaise sauce? No, it is just a sandwich and some snacks. I actually have to have my kids help me “listen for the pop,” when I open a jar of tomato sauce in case it was already opened. I don't trust myself to hear it or to know that it was in fact sealed properly. I have wasted countless items because I wasn't sure if it was sealed, or opened already, or stored properly. So now this obsession is not only costing me time, it is costing money too!

The food contamination obsession came to a fiery pitch after I learned of our good friends' daughter's ordeal. My friend's daughter(7 years old) had what they thought was a stomach virus. Well, after being in the hospital for three days they diagnosed her with having salmonella. The young 1st grader was in the hospital for a total of 5 days, and missed 3 weeks of school! After much deliberation, the parents think she may have contracted it from eating melon at a church picnic, but they may never be sure of the source. So, to say the least, I am no longer able to eat any melon, or let my kids eat melon either. I see melons at the store and they might as well have "I'm poisonous" signs written all over them...I try to stay clear. Well, today I was tested yet again. My son (2 years old with a mind of his own) and I were in a small produce stand near our home and as I was paying he passed by the cantaloupes. Now, I don't think he touched them, and honestly, I don't know if he could even really reach them, but I have been obsessing over this ever since (about 3 hours). As soon as we got back in the car I took out the Purell and slathered it all over his hands. Then of course he wanted to do it himself too, so I let him. I almost went home before going on our next errand (so I could properly wash his hands), but I thought that was even too extreme. SO, we went to the next store and as I put him in his stroller, I wiped his hands with a hand wipe. Why? That is the foundation for my issues. I can't seem to let it all go. When we got home, I washed his hands with soap and water and continued to worry about him getting salmonella from the dreaded cantelope. I then go through all the "how could you let this happen?" "Why didn't you hold him like you usually do?" "Why didn't you watch him more carefully while you were paying to make sure he didn't actually touch anything?" The obsessive part of this is that these questions circle round and round in my head and create a neverending state of turmoil.

These days I seem to float from crisis to crisis. Lately I feel a lot like a simmering pot of water that is just at the point of boiling. I cry a lot and I am constantly asking God to help me and to get me through this. I have never felt so out of control and I have never felt so helpless. I need to find someone to help me...I need to give my mind a rest...I need to find peace.

Lions and Tigers and Swine??? Oh My!

Ok. Well, I am being tested right now. In the last two days we have received two notices from the superintendent notifying us that there have been two confirmed cases of the Swine Flu in the junior high and middle schools of our district. Of course we know many kids who are at both of these schools and my daughter is in class with many of these middle school students' siblings. I am FREAKED!!! Up to this point I have been able to stay in denial about the whole Swine Flu hype because it was not known to be in our area...well the honeymoon is over. It is here! Already today I have thought I had a sore throat and a fever. Do I? Is it allergies, strep throat, or the swine flu? I'll keep you posted.

Oh yes, to add insult to injury, my daughter's 2nd grade "buddy" in class was absent today. Swine flu? No, just strep throat. Did I say "just?" I can't believe it either. I know her parents, and they too were happy to be able to give antibiotics and know she won't have to be out of school for at least 7 days. I really think that is possibly the hardest part of the scare. It is mandatory that a child with suspected swine flu stay out of school for a minimum of 7 days. We would also have to avoid public places for the same amount of time. I agree wholeheartedly with this, I just know it will be so hard for my second grader. She loves school, and the thought of her possibly missing her last few days at school will be devastating. I have already educated my daughter about germs, and don't think that I didn't remind her of all of the classic, "don't touch your hands to your eyes, nose, or mouth." Not to mention "WASH YOUR HANDS!" I am trying not to put too much pressure and craziness on her, but it is hard sometimes. There is a fine line between being cautious and being extreme. Every time I think I can get through it and feel I may have a handle on my OCD, I am confronted with something new. Today I am battling the swine flu, and so far I am not winning. Here's hoping for some relief soon. If only I could click my heels together and make the craziness stop.

Wiped Clean

I may single handedly be keeping the wipes and Purell companies in business. I can't go out anywhere without wipes, and/or Purell. I use a wipe to hold those pens you sign credit cards with and I always carry my own pen for those times when I can sign on my own. I always wash my hands after shopping anywhere. I never use shopping carts! I actually have a young son and push his stroller around the store and use the basket underneath to carry the groceries. Why? Well, there have been studies that the handles of shopping carts have more germs on them than the average public bathroom...YUCK. I even wash my hands after picking up the cereal box from the cabinet that I just purchased yesterday or today. Why you ask? Well in case the clerk had a cold or worse yet the stomach flu, of course. If we go somewhere like a restaurant, I am extremely careful, and wipe down the table before I eat. If I have to touch something like a bottle of ketchup on the table, I always wipe it first, and then usually wipe my hands afterward too. I guess I will never get that hand modeling job, as my hands have almost no skin left from all the washing and alcohol use. Oh well, I guess I'll have to stick to my day job.

I want to find peace. I want to find it for myself, but I also really want it for my kids. I don't want them suffering because of my obsession, and I certainly don't want them to grow up to be like me. They are the reason I am beginning this journey to find peace and tranquility.

A Diary of OCD

My struggle started as a child, but was extremely mild, and only was in the form of checking things. In college I can remember checking the stove over and over again before I would leave for class. I hadn't even had it on in the morning, but I still was compelled to check it.

After my dad passed away from illness in 1991 (I was 20), my OCD began to spread into the fear of germs and getting sick. Many people consider me to be a clean freak, but what I am is a germ freak. I wash my hands many, many times a day. I have never counted, but it is high (100+ ish). When my kids were born, I became worse. I was worried they may get sick, so I would make sure I would wash their hands, and I always stayed clear of homes that I knew had “sick” kids, even just the sniffles.

This was all gradual, but I have gotten to the point where I see it is interfering with my life and the lives of my kids. It is becoming a defining quality in my life, and I don't want to be defined by my obsession. I want to be a kind person who thinks of others, not a weird person who only thinks of others as a way to get more unwanted germs. I want help now, and I finally feel like I am ready to take a step toward a more healthy existence.

I plan on using this blog as a diary. I hope that maybe it will serve as a way for people with OCD to communicate and find out ways to help support each other. Selfishly, I am hoping that writing some of my daily activities down will help be therapeutic for me as well. I do not want to live in the agony that I am now, I want to find peace and some way to fit into the "real" world.

"We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full." -Marcel Proust